Thank Heaven for Little Girls, Part Two

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Congratulations Bill Rice at The Fourth Rail!

Last Monday, my world changed. After some complications with the end of my wife’s pregnancy it was decided it was best to encourage the labor early. At 8:48 pm, my dear sweet Catherine Elizabeth was born!

While I have been looking forward to being a father for a long time, words cannot explain the joy I felt with God’s precious gift to my wife and me.

While she was in the womb, I would tell her that “Daddy loves you!” When she was first born and screaming while the nurses were cleaning her by my wife’s bed with her eyes closed, I repeated the often said line. She stopped crying, turned towards me and opened her eyes. She grabbed on to my finger will all of her hand and I was in heaven.

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I love the story about Catherine quieting down at the sound of her father’s voice in the delivery room. We’ve had that happen with our kids too. They do recognize us! It’s just amazing.

This welcome for Catherine, this new little one we know through the blogosphere, is Part Two in the Thank Heaven for Little Girls series here at Reasoned Audacity. Making the world a better place one posting at a time; one baby at a time.

Thank heaven for little girls

for little girls get bigger every day!

Thank heaven for little girls

they grow up in the most delightful way!

Those little eyes so helpless and appealing

one day will flash and send you crashin’ thru the ceilin’. . .

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So Congratulations Bill and family! She’s beautiful. While I get sentimental about new babies, my husband, Jack always insists I send along to new fathers — of girls — his battle-plan — W. Bruce Cameron’s 8 Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter, a must-read for every dad with a daughter.

He thinks you might want to keep it handy. . .Check it out, after the jump. I’m going to have to come up with something for the boy arrivals. Any suggestions??

W. Bruce Cameron’s Rules

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


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Thank heaven for little girls

thank heaven for them all,

no matter where no matter who

for without them, what would little boys do?

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1 Response

  1. Jack Yoest says:

    W. Bruce Cameron’s 8 Rules and Intellectual Property

    8 Rules Around 1999 or so I wrote an essay Dating Our Daughters based on materiel that made the web rounds sans copyright. Later I posted the piece to my static web site. I credited Anonymous. Anonymous no more,…

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