Scandal 101: Free Consulting If Chuck Schumer is Your Boss

If you work for Senator Chuck Schumer (D) you do not have friends in the growing storm. Your world is changed.

Charmaine Yoest on phone

Top of Chuck Schumer’s head center

Your only friend is your lawyer. And even here you are not your legal counsel’s friend. You are now what these economic rent seekers call a “client.”

Your Humble Business Blogger has been on both sides of the table dealing with the FBI and legions of lawyers. You cannot win, even if you don’t lose. You will cry. Start now.

The Schumer scandal is in my current state of Maryland involving purloined documents from our Republican Lieutenant Governor Steele. The Democrats are doing the purloining . You, Schumer staffer, are guilty.

Your counseling sessions should begin with advice from Hugh Hewitt:

First, write down this number: 202-974-5600… for Chadbourne & Parke in DC, … Abbe Lowell. … he is the city’s best bet for criminal defense … It is best to be the first one to the firm before conflicts kick in. Bring your wallet. Probably dad’s wallet, if you are young staffer in over your head. In fact, you’d better tell dad right now.

You will remember Lowell, Esq. and his combat with Ken Starr. As Hugh Hewitt suggests, the DC battlefield requires local guides.

In politics, as in business, guilt or innocence is irrelevant.

At one of my start-ups 15 years ago, we received a letter from a competitor’s legal team challenging our patent. “To respond you need to budget $25,000,” our lawyer said.

“But our patent is air-tight! This is frivolous! Outrageous!”

“Indeed,” our legal counsel almost smiled.

That time the company paid, or, rather, our funders.

Another tangle with a business partner over disputed expenses was mediated by lawyers. Him guilty; me innocent.

No matter, for a year or two the lawyer fees were greater than the Yoest family home mortgage payments. And I don’t get Christmas cards from my lawyers.

Because I was never a friend. And now I am not even a “client.”

So young staffer, even if you could never get arrested, your time has come. You say you are innocent? You never touched, viewed, aided and abetted the stolen Steele stuff?

I once asked Morton Blackwell — who ran the GOP in Virginia — why Clinton’s cabinet stood behind Clinton and lied for him during the Lewinsky event.

“Because,” said Blackwell shaking his head, “Clinton only hires people just like him, who think and act like him.” Birds of a feather kind of thing. (The only exception would be Jesse Brown.)

No, you are guilty. You’re in a barrel headed over Niagara Falls, New York. What now?

Here’s what you do:

1) Hire legal counsel.

2) Resign from Schumer’s office

3) Do exactly what your legal eagles say.

4) Do not go home to NY.

5) Find the cameras.

I was at the Roberts’ confirmation hearings with Charmaine as she lobbied in the lobby. The most dangerous place to be was between Schumer and a camera. But now you must beat him to the cameras, learn to stare into the bright lights and repeat the script your legal team will write. Sincerely. Faking it with your whole heart.

I can help you. email me. I can give you more free consulting.

So, young staffer, this experience will get you prepared when you deal with your divorce attorney in the coming years, but that will be easier.

Penta Posse

Senate Office Building

Thank you (foot)notes:

Checker Board has Ominous.

Captain’s Quarters has the story.

Atlas Blogged has questions.

Kennedy v The Machine has silence.

And remember, Hugh Hewitt has the naming contest.

The Anchoress is not bored. Which makes good reading for us all.

MaxedOutMama has Schumer Staff Pulls.

GOPinion has more.

GOP Bloggers has the payoff.

Michelle Malkin has the dirty trick story.

Mudville Gazette has Open Post. And while there, see Toe in the Water with dangerous dolphins.